I could never have mastered the courage to write this post but for a fellow sufferer Summer Moon. An extremely courageous person who have been fighting with bipolar disorder for a long time. This post of mine is actually inspired by this post of Summer. Summer's words there have given life to my feelings.
It’s quite some time now that I have been suffering from Bipolar disorder. The first time it occurred, I was in college, second year. The year was 2004. I started going into intense depressions but didn't know the real reason behind it then. I simply thought it has something to do with my doping or a tumultuous love affair. But the night I somehow stopped myself from slashing my wrist I made up my mind that I need to go see a doctor. I kept the whole thing a secret from my parents since in India most parents don't approve of the fact that their children are visiting a psychiatrist. The doctor spoke to me for like two hours, prescribed me Lithium Carbonate and said its most likely monopolar or bipolar disorder. Over the next 1 year, I visited him three more times to finally find out that it’s a Type - II bipolar disorder.
This thing has been with me since then. I am either working 30 hours at a stretch, eating more than the double of my normal appetite, having 10 hour long video game sessions or sitting morosely in the darkness of my room, despising everything and everyone in the world, contemplating suicide.
Many a times I thought, what if I didn't have this. How my life could have been different if I was not attacked by this disorder. How my image could have been different. In what other ways (some of) my friends would have criticized me instead of just calling me a 'nutcase' behind my back. What would have my teacher said if he knew that it’s not an excuse for bad grades. In a situation where even the closest of your friends and family (including your dad) start stereotyping at the mention of the word 'bipolar', I found a turnaround for myself. I remembered how this disorder has accompanied me through every thick and thin. How it has helped me with extra-energy when I had to complete an urgent pitch presentation in 24 hours’ time. The problem itself has sort of become a close friend of mine when others abandoned me.
Based on this, I created different metaphors to live with. Whenever I go into a depression I would tell myself that my friend is angry with me and that's why I am sad too. Just give him some time, coax him a bit and everything will be fine. To certain extent this helped. But at the end of the day, it’s actually a devil you are fighting and not some offended friend. In order to do this successfully, what you really need is a bit of love and care.
In my worst days, I have seen an angel come into my dark room, light it up with her radiance and provide me with the much needed medicine of love along with the capsules of Lithium carbonate. She is the love of my life. She is my only hope. She hides away the blades and knives along with the whiskey/vodka bottles whenever I go into severe depressions. She takes unconditional (and unpaid) leaves from her otherwise hectic job to be with me, whenever she realizes things are not going fine. She knows how to cope with me when I am at my worst. I wish every sufferer like me had an angel like her in their lives to make things easier.
On that note, one small request to every reader here: Support the bipolar sufferers. Don't push them away. Love can be the best medicine. I guess, that's not asking for much...
It’s quite some time now that I have been suffering from Bipolar disorder. The first time it occurred, I was in college, second year. The year was 2004. I started going into intense depressions but didn't know the real reason behind it then. I simply thought it has something to do with my doping or a tumultuous love affair. But the night I somehow stopped myself from slashing my wrist I made up my mind that I need to go see a doctor. I kept the whole thing a secret from my parents since in India most parents don't approve of the fact that their children are visiting a psychiatrist. The doctor spoke to me for like two hours, prescribed me Lithium Carbonate and said its most likely monopolar or bipolar disorder. Over the next 1 year, I visited him three more times to finally find out that it’s a Type - II bipolar disorder.
This thing has been with me since then. I am either working 30 hours at a stretch, eating more than the double of my normal appetite, having 10 hour long video game sessions or sitting morosely in the darkness of my room, despising everything and everyone in the world, contemplating suicide.
Many a times I thought, what if I didn't have this. How my life could have been different if I was not attacked by this disorder. How my image could have been different. In what other ways (some of) my friends would have criticized me instead of just calling me a 'nutcase' behind my back. What would have my teacher said if he knew that it’s not an excuse for bad grades. In a situation where even the closest of your friends and family (including your dad) start stereotyping at the mention of the word 'bipolar', I found a turnaround for myself. I remembered how this disorder has accompanied me through every thick and thin. How it has helped me with extra-energy when I had to complete an urgent pitch presentation in 24 hours’ time. The problem itself has sort of become a close friend of mine when others abandoned me.
Based on this, I created different metaphors to live with. Whenever I go into a depression I would tell myself that my friend is angry with me and that's why I am sad too. Just give him some time, coax him a bit and everything will be fine. To certain extent this helped. But at the end of the day, it’s actually a devil you are fighting and not some offended friend. In order to do this successfully, what you really need is a bit of love and care.
In my worst days, I have seen an angel come into my dark room, light it up with her radiance and provide me with the much needed medicine of love along with the capsules of Lithium carbonate. She is the love of my life. She is my only hope. She hides away the blades and knives along with the whiskey/vodka bottles whenever I go into severe depressions. She takes unconditional (and unpaid) leaves from her otherwise hectic job to be with me, whenever she realizes things are not going fine. She knows how to cope with me when I am at my worst. I wish every sufferer like me had an angel like her in their lives to make things easier.
On that note, one small request to every reader here: Support the bipolar sufferers. Don't push them away. Love can be the best medicine. I guess, that's not asking for much...
Summer could not comment here due to some technical glitch. Here is what Summer felt:
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Wow! I am so touched right now. For one, the kind words you say about me. I feel blessed that my words have encouraged you to use that strength you have. You are so very strong to write this. And two, you took something so personal and share it with so much heartfelt emotion. You have just helped many people with this (including me), I guarantee you.
I am so proud of you. This is not an easy thing to do, and reading this is inspirational. What you say about bipolar being there through thick and thin, is true and I have never looked at it in such a way before. But it’s very true. It’s the one thing that has always been with me almost like a friend, even if I’d rather it not be. But ,in the end it is a devil. It’s something we must fight day in and day out, but I believe we can win in the end. We may not be able to make it go away. However, we can scream at the top of our lungs, just like you did here in this post, and tell that devil that it will never beat us.
I’m so happy that you have an angel in your life to help you through those extremely difficult times, and to help you celebrate through the good ones. You describe her and what she does for you so beautifully. I love how you illustrate her love and support with your words. It’s a wonderful thing to have someone in your life like that. I love your request too. I agree that it’s not asking for much to just give love instead of pushing us away. Bipolar is lonely and terrifying enough when we are loved. It’s even worse when people push us away. I am so grateful to those in my life who have not pushed me away.
Hugs to you, Jimmy! And, thank you for making my heart smile today.
Summer
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